Excavation

there are certain things you don't really expect yourself to do when you're on a break... one of them is to dig up certain things from your mind and from that deep emotional core you work so hard to suppress most of the time. you know what i dug up this time around? my weaknesses. of all the things i had to bring up, that is the worst of them all at this point in time. why? because i'm nearing the completion of my educational sentence, on the eve of launching a shaky though potentially fulfilling career (when i find one, i'll tell you), and i'm nearing my 23rd as we speak.
 
understand that i don't believe that it's "bad" to have weaknesses. they're what makes us human and gives us a soul at times. knowing that we're not indestructable is what creates harmony in this world... where one is weak, another is strong, thus, making us dependent on everyone else to survive. if one were to think otherwise, one is foolish. but we're getting off to another point... the point is, i found out my weaknesses, and i couldn't have chosen a worse possible time to do so. who wants to know that they're not as confident as they would like to think themselves to be when they're about to lose grasp on what is familiar and comforting? to be propelled into chaos when they haven't got a clue how to handle it just to keep sane (does anyone ever)? confidence, or the lack of, is my weakness.
 
women could not be the weaker sex... if we were, where would men be? my friend tells me, "off the food chain", which wouldn't be too far off from the truth. sexist, yes, absolutely. we shall debate the power of the sexes some other day... today, i'm blogging.
 
confidence is something you build up... some people may seem to have it naturally, but if you ask them, they would tell you that it's because they were brought up to be so. so either way, it's something you're not born with. that's like saying i was born with happiness. confidence, like happiness, is a state. state of what, i can't say, but a state nonetheless. sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't... and the worse thing is that you don't usually have it when you really need it the most (in my case, anyway). here i am, about to get thrown out of my comfort zone, having to start my life in a way i'm not sure of, and i'm growing older (often that renders new situations a little harder to cope). all this while, i have a waning sense of assuredness in myself and who i am, in my ability to make those hard decisions, and how i'm supposed to follow my "calling" and still fulfill my responsibilities towards my family and myself. it's not easy, and it's hard to feel understood when i'm trying to explain it... especially to my parents.
 
does everything have to come the hard way? often times it's better, sometimes not. i would consider myself one of the lucky few that have what i have... but it never seems enough at times. it's all about being thankful, about remembering what you do have that others don't and not being a pompous brat about whatever you don't have. i AM thankful that i have a high school education and am almost completing my tertiary; i AM thankful that i have a full fridge and pantry, survivor cooking skills, and the occasional splurg-ability; i AM thankful that i have people in my life who love and care about and for me... what i am NOT thankful for is my ability to go from spotlight hog to cowering wallflower. since when was i this scared to live? i can't be a coward right now, i can't afford it. there's no life analyzing every risk of everything you do or say. there's always room for a little risk, and a little corner for caution. there's a reason why they have a term "calculated risk". that's the kind of risk i need to be taking more often instead of not taking anything risk at all.