Losing Me

some people may understand what it feels like to be without a complete sense of self... in fact, i'm willing to bet that most of us do. and when i say "without a complete sense of self", i don't merely refer to the feeling that you're not completely you, but rather a mixture of different "you's"adapted to fit into different situations, take that mix and put it into a mold and bake for a few years.

see, the main point of this analogy is that you've been that way for a long enough period of time that the essential bits and pieces that make you the individual that you are has long lost its proverbial flavor. you could be anything and everything, but no one can really say that it is a single or even a few flavors. you have evolved into a new kind of flavor, something that no one can put their finger on. they know it, but they don't.

i've been a new flavor for a long time... i thought i knew what flavors made up my being, but i don't... not really. some people may think that's wonderful, that it makes you an individual and indisputably unique... but i often wish i wasn't so "unique", because being unique sometimes makes you an outsider. you don't really fit into any other candy bowl. at least in most candy bowls, you can tell tell the difference between a lemon and a grape candy... but me, i'm not just a lemon or grape or even apple & blackberry... i'm WEIRD! i'm sour, sweet, bitter, tart, zesty, spicy, and all those other tasty adjectives that people use for food. the thing is, i'm not one flavor for very long if at all. it's hard to keep up sometimes, even for me. there are times when i'm completely open, fearless, tactful, and maybe even downright rude... other times i cower in the presence of my own shadow, worried and withdrawn to the point that the rest of the worldwouldn't know i existed if it weren't for my occasional whimpering. it's not easy being someone like me... it's borderline schizophrenia!

while people like me are dealing with day-to-day functions without breaking down into hopeless dispair at feeling so lost, others are unaware of our hell, being so preoccupied with their own. see, neither species can be helped. everyone has their own problems to deal with, solve or wallow in... often too busy or too distracted to notice that anyone else is there. everyone feels that they have problems that are unique or "huge"... but honestly, they're equally mundane and insignificant (i mean, for those of us who live in a country without a huge war going on in our back yards, abundant food and water, clothes on our backs and a cellphone in our hand... try telling a Cambodian orphan that HIS/HER problems are mundane and insignificant).
in all honesty, the point that i would drive at is that, no matter how screwed up we think we and/or our lives are, we should always focus on the fact that it's not all bad. if we can be thankful for one little thing today, instead of thinking how unfair it is that we didn't get that dress we wanted to get from the mall because they didn't have our size, or that promotion we've been working our asses off for, then the world could be happier than it is. i have to remind myself everyday that my life is NOT screwed up, that it's better than alright. i think we all should do that. be thankful for what we have, strive for whatever else we might want, but overall be satisfied that we're not living in a disease-infested slum in the middle of a country that's fighting a war that can only impoverish, disrupt social and economical growth, kill, and break the spirit of a nation or nations.