Memories Left Behind
One would never think of writing a will at the age of 24, when life is still fresh and full of promises and potential. You never know what tomorrow might bring, so why not be prepared just it case tomorrow never comes. While most of us would perceive this view of uncertain and untimely death to be bleak (and it is) we should prepare ourselves for unexpected situations. It never hurt to prepare oneself for the inevitable: People start to die as soon as they are born; and some die a lot earlier than expected. But I'm not writing out my will today. Not today. I would write about what I would leave behind in character, what I would have those I love remember about me.
So what would I have people remember about me? I hesitate to say that I want them to remember me as I was when most of them last saw me. I would have my friends from childhood to high school to remember me right before we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Back then, I was different. I was carefree yet grounded. I strived for all things great yet was still able to enjoy the empty hours in the sun and among sisters and brothers. I sweated buckets at volleyball and basketball games yet still liked to do my makeup and my hair (as well as that of others). I drew and painted visual expressions of my heart and mind and still do when inspiration compels me. I keep journals that hold pages and pages of worry, heartache, hope, love, regret, and joy. I would also be remembered for my ability to love openly and freely, though perhaps not for my ability to harden my heart against pain and tragedy when in need to self-preservation.
Would they remember a young woman of discipline and determination? What of the girl who possessed a quiet darkness in her soul for all the things she knows and feels. Who would remember the woman who moved to the beat of her world, whose feet followed no single path but many in her search for elusive knowledge of herself and those around her? Would people know me for a rebel at heart, though adhering to rules of society as she must? Would the world be surprised that my soul is lost in its travels, that I have no solid direction for the things I mean to do with my life, if ever I figure that out?
I'm a simple soul. I don't seek to change the world or influence it in any great and earth-shattering way. I don't seek great riches or even great loves. I seek only to be in the embrace of those who love me for the person I am, to be cared for though I would never ask to be. The woman I've become would permit little show of weakness to anyone else apart from those in my circle. My soul is hard and untrusting, though my heart still hopes to open itself to the love of humanity. But my mind is wise in telling the rest of me that the world is not entirely safe, that there will be emotional pain and suffering when I would allow new people into my world for friendship, comfort, soul connecting… and perhaps the possibility of unconditional love.
People say that true friends are made when you're in college/university. I found that to be somewhat false. While I have made a few friends whom I could see myself calling upon in thirty years time, I believe my greatest and closest friends are those I've made in high-school. True, we were very naive and closed off to many other aspects of the real world… But when the real world started coming down on us, we found ourselves connecting through emails and similar experiences. We become closer though we communicated less. The one great thing that held us together was that, in our heart of souls, we know that somewhere else in the world was another person who would understand us… who would hold us in the highest regard no matter how low we feel we have sunk… who love us unconditionally and would embrace us with pure sisterly/brotherly care. They are those whom we could feel safe with, with whom we could be our silly selves. Image be damned, we would act like 2-yo's if we wanted to!
People tell me not to dwell on the past, that it is for your own personal growth to look to the future and live in the present. I believe that people who say that are those who feel that the present is better than the past, something I don't really see. Though there are aspects of my present life that I cherish (like my bf, graduating university, a higher form of independence, etc), I would still look back to my past and wonder why things can't be as simple as it were then? But then I would tell myself that it was because I didn't know any better back then. If I were to know then what I know now, I would guarantee my high-school years would’ve been different. I would’ve changed priorities, and enjoyed life a little more when I could eat almost anything I wanted and my metabolic rate would've been able to support it… when I was faster, braver, less calculative and took more risks… when there was no end to the summer sunshine and sparkling cool water and you could hold a tan till Christmas without worrying too much about premature ageing… when you loved birthdays instead of worrying what will droop next…when you didn’t have to worry about making solid decisions about career, marriage and family all too soon. What I wouldn’t give to be 18 again!
How much will people remember and WHAT would they remember about me? Was I forthcoming enough with my thoughts and feelings about life that loved ones would recall later on, that there would be no question as to my character? A person's possessions are worthless, but a person's name, a person's legacy… a person's life and the person him/herself, needs to be remembered.
So what would I have people remember about me? I hesitate to say that I want them to remember me as I was when most of them last saw me. I would have my friends from childhood to high school to remember me right before we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Back then, I was different. I was carefree yet grounded. I strived for all things great yet was still able to enjoy the empty hours in the sun and among sisters and brothers. I sweated buckets at volleyball and basketball games yet still liked to do my makeup and my hair (as well as that of others). I drew and painted visual expressions of my heart and mind and still do when inspiration compels me. I keep journals that hold pages and pages of worry, heartache, hope, love, regret, and joy. I would also be remembered for my ability to love openly and freely, though perhaps not for my ability to harden my heart against pain and tragedy when in need to self-preservation.
Would they remember a young woman of discipline and determination? What of the girl who possessed a quiet darkness in her soul for all the things she knows and feels. Who would remember the woman who moved to the beat of her world, whose feet followed no single path but many in her search for elusive knowledge of herself and those around her? Would people know me for a rebel at heart, though adhering to rules of society as she must? Would the world be surprised that my soul is lost in its travels, that I have no solid direction for the things I mean to do with my life, if ever I figure that out?
I'm a simple soul. I don't seek to change the world or influence it in any great and earth-shattering way. I don't seek great riches or even great loves. I seek only to be in the embrace of those who love me for the person I am, to be cared for though I would never ask to be. The woman I've become would permit little show of weakness to anyone else apart from those in my circle. My soul is hard and untrusting, though my heart still hopes to open itself to the love of humanity. But my mind is wise in telling the rest of me that the world is not entirely safe, that there will be emotional pain and suffering when I would allow new people into my world for friendship, comfort, soul connecting… and perhaps the possibility of unconditional love.
People say that true friends are made when you're in college/university. I found that to be somewhat false. While I have made a few friends whom I could see myself calling upon in thirty years time, I believe my greatest and closest friends are those I've made in high-school. True, we were very naive and closed off to many other aspects of the real world… But when the real world started coming down on us, we found ourselves connecting through emails and similar experiences. We become closer though we communicated less. The one great thing that held us together was that, in our heart of souls, we know that somewhere else in the world was another person who would understand us… who would hold us in the highest regard no matter how low we feel we have sunk… who love us unconditionally and would embrace us with pure sisterly/brotherly care. They are those whom we could feel safe with, with whom we could be our silly selves. Image be damned, we would act like 2-yo's if we wanted to!
People tell me not to dwell on the past, that it is for your own personal growth to look to the future and live in the present. I believe that people who say that are those who feel that the present is better than the past, something I don't really see. Though there are aspects of my present life that I cherish (like my bf, graduating university, a higher form of independence, etc), I would still look back to my past and wonder why things can't be as simple as it were then? But then I would tell myself that it was because I didn't know any better back then. If I were to know then what I know now, I would guarantee my high-school years would’ve been different. I would’ve changed priorities, and enjoyed life a little more when I could eat almost anything I wanted and my metabolic rate would've been able to support it… when I was faster, braver, less calculative and took more risks… when there was no end to the summer sunshine and sparkling cool water and you could hold a tan till Christmas without worrying too much about premature ageing… when you loved birthdays instead of worrying what will droop next…when you didn’t have to worry about making solid decisions about career, marriage and family all too soon. What I wouldn’t give to be 18 again!
How much will people remember and WHAT would they remember about me? Was I forthcoming enough with my thoughts and feelings about life that loved ones would recall later on, that there would be no question as to my character? A person's possessions are worthless, but a person's name, a person's legacy… a person's life and the person him/herself, needs to be remembered.
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