Left Behind

don't you sometimes wish you never had to do some of the things you do to get ahead of this demanding world of ours? i wish i never had to go through so much studying and late nights to get a degree. there are better things to think about and worry yourself sick over than a whole bunch of exams and papers that don't really tell anyone much about the kind of person you are. for pete's sake, anyone who really believes that a piece of paper will increase their self-worth needs to talk to mr. kiyosaki!

well all have dreams about making it big in this world, to have to option of early retirement if they really wanted to or to be famous and glamorous (though they don't always go hand in hand). i admire people who have gotten themselves there before they get to old to enjoy the spoils of their sweat and hard work. i admire people who have that sense of motivation (internal or otherwise) to create an empire that helps themselves as well as the millions around them. i hate bill gates.

while all of the rich and famous are drinking champagne and tanning on their yatchs somewhere out in the mediterranean, i'm left here typing away my misery in my bleak little room in suburban perth. i took beginners' ballroom, wear high heels, drink wine (red white and burgundy), dress up in imitation tiffany's to remind myself what i ultimately see myself in my twenties.... i woman who owns the world. men wonder why we watch such movies as "the princess diaries" or "clueless" or "pretty woman" and others... they don't understand that every woman ultimately dreams of a fairy tale life (not ending, in the present time please) which includes the 100 acre walk-in wardrobe, the gorgeous self-afforded birthday presents from any store on 5th avenue, the adorable little red number in her 2-car garage at her beautiful venice mansion. maybe it's not every woman's dream, but i will bet you my life savings (if i had one to spare) that no woman would complain about it!

the hardest thing to accept is that i'm turning 23 soon, and i don't feel like i've accomplished much. sure, i've gone through some things in my life, but i still feel like i could've done more... much more.

In Bounds and Leaps

there are a great many things that we should concern ourselves with, whether they may be important things like moving into a different country for work/love, or whether that piece of sinfully sweet chocolate cake is gonna give you an extra roll (somewhere) in the morning. but then again, i must remind myself of a very wise quote from an otherwise comedic actor, "i learned that worrying is like being in a rocking chair; gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere. write that down" (van wilder, from the movie).

it's true; worrying never gets us anywhere productive. we keep thinking and pondering only to end up where we started from. but on the other hand, if we don't give things a little bit of thought, we could end up regretting every other decision we ever made in the spur of the moment. no, i'm not talking about the cake, i'm talking about the moving bit. i have to move in less than a year, and i don't know where i'm going.

i'm scared shitless when things are beyond my control. i am, somewhat, a control freak. despite the fact that i prefer rocky road to smooth caramel, i do need to be in some form of control of myself, if not my situation. right now, the situation is this: i'm graduating, and i have to leave this country (a little by choice and by order of the immigration commission). the problem with moving is that i'll be leaving a person i love very dearly, whom i don't want to immagine my life without. it saddens me, but what else am i to do. no, i'm not marrying just so i can stay in the country (although having a PR status in australia isn't an entirely bad thing). the thought has been constantly giving me palpitations and the occassional light-headedness.

anyone who's thinking in the back of their minds (or otherwise talking to the screen in front of you), "but there's always the choice of staying in the relationship long-distance!", trust me, i've already considered that prospect. it's a romantic notion, not always practical, though hopeful. we both have our lives to live, his in australia, and mine in.... god knows where.

i'm not about to ask him to move with me, and i'm not about to stay so far away from the family, food, and cheap shopping that i love so much. someone had already told me that i have to consider the fact that i will eventually have a family of my own, and i must remind myself that it will be a great opportunity for them if i stayed in australia that is, in his opinion, one of the best countries to live in. i'm not arguing that it's a bad idea, but i'm only 22. maybe if i were from a different generation i would think that it's old; but too bad, i'm from my own little world where 22 still holds a thousand dreams, opportunities, and options. mom had once told me that i have feet that travel, that i won't settle down in one place too soon. i didn't say person, i said place. those who know me well know that i don't date out of convenience, or out of fun (although dating can be fun), or just so i can "experience it all". i'm a romantic, i date for keeps. those same people also know that i love to be broad-minded and move around.

as cliche as it is to say that it feels like i was just 16 yesterday, i'm saying it anyway. physically i'm an "old crone" putting fifty different creams on my external and flooding my internal with youth-inducing pills to avoid looking 22 (i don't get carded at bars anymore, it's sad). however, having said all that, i'm emotionally and mentally stuck somewhere between 16 and 18. i still eat like i won't gain a pound, dance in my jammies while i'm vacuuming, lip-sinc to avril lavigne and weezer when i think no-one's watching, baby-talk my cat and whine to my parents. hel-lo??? can i get anymore juvenille???

i don't like adulthood. sure, there're all the perks of being able to purchase alcohol, cigarettes, porn and condoms without putting people into shock (not that i buy cigarettes and porn, mind you); but don't you miss being a kid? i can't walk into a mall without running into the after-school mob of teeny-boppers wearing their older-sisters' clothes and shoes, and feel disappointed that they don't know what they're missing out when they're playing "grown-up". i lived up my childhood, why won't they! you're only a teen once, and then there's being 20, 30, 40.... ugh. you can't turn back the clock like that. ask anyone in my age group and they'll tell you that they're already trying to ignore father time banging on their doors with his bag of wrinkles, age-induced constipation, white hair, saggy butts and flabby arms. merry gym and/or diet-obsessing and a happy life-long trip to the plastic surgeon!

all in all, kids should be glad that they have the option of dressing like they're 20 without having to sign the proverbial contract to take on the responsibilities, and mental and emotional torture of that age range. suddenly, being 22 seems like a chore.