Major Headaches!

wow, two blogs in a day... must be some kind of record, huh... but yeah...

there are days when you chide yourself for thinking too much about... well, yourself. and then there're days when you absolutely feel like everything IS about you. Your cat chews scratches up the furniture, it's your fault; the mail got lost, it's your fault; your assignments aren't done, it's your fault; your health is failing, it's your fault; blah blah blah, it's YOUR fault! sheesh!!! i have a huge headache, and it's absolutely my own damn fault. i took on a project that was simple, but is taking me a lot of effort to complete. i am having... the absolute WORSE... creative breakdown in art history. i CAN'T draw! my eyes are burning, my fingers are cramped, and my head feels like a melon that hit the ground from twenty feet up. it is an absolute DISASTER!!!

granted, i don't really need to pass this class... but lets face it, it's been paid for. so if i don't pass the class, it's two grand down the drain! it's bloody expensive to be a student these days, especially if you're an international.

i should actually feel good about myself tonight... i should. i did one good thing for me today... i had a huge salad for dinner, two corn on cob, and an itty bitty bit of roasted potato. PLUS, rockmelon for desert. doesn't that sound yummy? i should feel good, but right now, all i wanna do is crawl under the covers, and hope prince charming won't find me for the next million years.

A Tired Blogger

there are worse things in life than being me... don't hold your breath, it's nothing philosophical. i'm just saying that, whenever i feel that my life is shit, i should stop and think about how life must be like for someone else.

we whine and we bitch and we wish we were somewhere other than where we are, but if we would just shut up for a minute, we'd understand that life can't be so bad if we have a roof over our house, food on the table, clothes on our backs, and people who love us. on top of that, a lot of us can afford to go to the store and not have to think about that extra pack of candy we picked up, just because we had a sudden craving for sugar! we've got it made, if you would let yourself think it.

i'll admit that i've been really selfish lately. i've been thinking about myself and how much i hate my life because of where i am and where i'm heading, and i forget to look to my bf and think how much he means to me and how much i love him and he loves me. i forget to ask him how his day was and how he was feeling as he's sitting in front of his computer trying to forget the world. i forget to support him when he's feeling stressed, and to see how i can lighten his load by doing little things for him.

we're selfish creatures, humans. i don't remember how it came to that, but we are. the miracles are the single parents who work two jobs to get their kids through school; or the people who sacrifice their dreams to support their family; or the ones who give up their christmas gifts so someone else can have a happy christmas... how many people do you know (personally) who do that? if you know someone, you should not only pat the person on the back, you should support them and help them. maybe you could've cooked an extra portion so the tired parent doesn't have to worry what her/his kids might have for dinner that night. and maybe instead of giving two presents to your nephew this year, why not give one of them to the kid who won't have any...

Time Machine

if you were to go back in time as the younger you to relive your life (knowing what you know now), what would you have done differently? my bf put that cliche question to himself and me, and i could think of several things i would've done differently. but the true question is this, "if you were to go back in time as the younger you to relive your life (knowing what you know now), what would you have done differently... and would you be ready to accept the consequences?".

cuz that's the whole point isn't it? if you change a decision you made, knowing what may or may not happen if you do, would you be ready to perhaps lead a life different from the one you're currently leading? that theme has been done many times over, most recently in "suddenly 30" where jennifer garder actually gets to see what happens to her as an adult if she does the things she supposedly will do. the thing is, no one gets to go back to change their life starting from the point they turn 13! if i had that chance, god knows WHAT i would've done! for starters, i'd probably dress better!

the age old response is yes, we've all made mistakes. if we had a chance, we probably would never have made it in the first place. but we can't never make it, can we. we made the decision to do something, and we can't just go, "oh shit, i shouldn't have done that. better jump into my trusty time machine and do it differently". the day someone actually puts the notion of time travelling into a palpable form, trust me, i'd be first in line with all my money for a ride back in time. i get first dibs!!!

in the case of my inability to go back and change what happens to me and some other people i know (or knew), all there is left to do is to acknowledge the mistakes i've made, know that it was probably gonna be one way or another, learn from it, and move on. isn't that what the wisemen or the 21st century always tell you? the message is everywhere! you get it from your parents, your friends, your bf/gf/partner whatever, self-help books, they'll all tell you that by dwelling on the mistakes you've made in the past will not be beneficial or constructive to your future. it's a losing battle, you simply CAN'T take anything back! the best you can do is to apologize to those you've wronged, or forgive yourself for having made what you've perceived as a flat-out bad decision, regain your friendship with your conscience, and live more conscientiously. you took risks when you made those pivotal decisions in your life, and you'll continue to take more risks as you grow older. but you have to remember that you wouldn't the person you are today had you not made those decisions and then understood that they were "bad". where there is good, there must be evil. neither concepts may exist without the other. that's life. deal with it.

Losin' It

i'm losing it all... i'm losing the weight i want gone, i'm losing that half-assed attitude i seem to be harboring these days, and i'm definitely losing this person i seem to have become (the one i don't like).

i figured, what the heck, you make your life out to be either good or bad through your view of life. it's true, you wear beer-goggles all your life, it can be a rude shock when you wake up the next morning with a suspicious head of hair sleeping beside you... snoring. it's the same if you keep seeing life as a pain in the ass. if you give life a chance, it might scare you. changing your view about life is everything, it's the root of most problems you face everyday... i know it's true for me at least.

honestly? i don't really believe that life is all peachy. but rather than let it get to me, i should really try taking a deep breath, and just deal with it, then let it go. i know i should've learnt it a long time ago, but i really have to have it down pat if i'm to survive the next decade or so. so maybe i need to put up a huge banner over my bed, its sole purpose: "breathe, deal, and go". maybe it wouldn't be so bad... maybe.

it's all baby steps. you can't expect to make the giant leaps across a canyon when you can't even step over the puddle. it's the fundamental principle that rules us, we have to start out small in order to become big. in my case, i have to get back to being small; the image of a sumo restler trying to shrink down to the size of a ballerina. a huge tackle ahead, but one that can be conquered. it'll be a while before i get to where i want to be, but i will get there eventually. the key word being "eventually". i'll have to make a schedule and a time limit for this goal of mine. first off, i think i'll have to go back to being vegetarian and promote animal friendly products. next, i'll solve world hunger and promote universal peace and harmony.... okay, i'll just settle for going vegetarian and trying to solve world hunger.