Lifelong Study

the original plan was for me to finish studying... for my high school diploma, for my degree (and i have), and finally to take a year's worth of fashion and textile design classes so that i can do what i wanna do by the time i'm 25. now comes the hard part... by doing only a year's worth of classes, i wouldn't be considered a professional in my field. to achieve this prestigeous level, i would have to complete another TWO years' worth of classes (makes me feel like i haven't gone to uni at all), in which case i wouldn't actually stop studying until i'm 27. in the mean time, i'm supposed to earn meager wages and depend on my parents for more substantial backing. who in the hell does all this!!!

what self-respecting 27-y.o. actually calls home to ask daddy for more allowance? for pete's sake, at that age i should have worked for a good number of years, quit a few bad job options, and have SOMETHING in my savings to get me through half a vacation in thailand. while most grads would've been earning their own since before they left high school, little ol' me is still trying to severe the metaphoric umbilical cord! even my younger brother is earning more than i!

while my family has substantially high hopes for me to expand my education, i'm sooooo sick of textbooks that i would love nothing more than to just say, "mom, dad... i quit". but i can't. they've put so much effort, time, hope and money into me that i'm just about to out-bloat the pilsbury dough boy if i haven't already done so. well hey, shit happens. looks like i'll be the oldest unemployed person in my family to date.

Losing Me

some people may understand what it feels like to be without a complete sense of self... in fact, i'm willing to bet that most of us do. and when i say "without a complete sense of self", i don't merely refer to the feeling that you're not completely you, but rather a mixture of different "you's"adapted to fit into different situations, take that mix and put it into a mold and bake for a few years.

see, the main point of this analogy is that you've been that way for a long enough period of time that the essential bits and pieces that make you the individual that you are has long lost its proverbial flavor. you could be anything and everything, but no one can really say that it is a single or even a few flavors. you have evolved into a new kind of flavor, something that no one can put their finger on. they know it, but they don't.

i've been a new flavor for a long time... i thought i knew what flavors made up my being, but i don't... not really. some people may think that's wonderful, that it makes you an individual and indisputably unique... but i often wish i wasn't so "unique", because being unique sometimes makes you an outsider. you don't really fit into any other candy bowl. at least in most candy bowls, you can tell tell the difference between a lemon and a grape candy... but me, i'm not just a lemon or grape or even apple & blackberry... i'm WEIRD! i'm sour, sweet, bitter, tart, zesty, spicy, and all those other tasty adjectives that people use for food. the thing is, i'm not one flavor for very long if at all. it's hard to keep up sometimes, even for me. there are times when i'm completely open, fearless, tactful, and maybe even downright rude... other times i cower in the presence of my own shadow, worried and withdrawn to the point that the rest of the worldwouldn't know i existed if it weren't for my occasional whimpering. it's not easy being someone like me... it's borderline schizophrenia!

while people like me are dealing with day-to-day functions without breaking down into hopeless dispair at feeling so lost, others are unaware of our hell, being so preoccupied with their own. see, neither species can be helped. everyone has their own problems to deal with, solve or wallow in... often too busy or too distracted to notice that anyone else is there. everyone feels that they have problems that are unique or "huge"... but honestly, they're equally mundane and insignificant (i mean, for those of us who live in a country without a huge war going on in our back yards, abundant food and water, clothes on our backs and a cellphone in our hand... try telling a Cambodian orphan that HIS/HER problems are mundane and insignificant).
in all honesty, the point that i would drive at is that, no matter how screwed up we think we and/or our lives are, we should always focus on the fact that it's not all bad. if we can be thankful for one little thing today, instead of thinking how unfair it is that we didn't get that dress we wanted to get from the mall because they didn't have our size, or that promotion we've been working our asses off for, then the world could be happier than it is. i have to remind myself everyday that my life is NOT screwed up, that it's better than alright. i think we all should do that. be thankful for what we have, strive for whatever else we might want, but overall be satisfied that we're not living in a disease-infested slum in the middle of a country that's fighting a war that can only impoverish, disrupt social and economical growth, kill, and break the spirit of a nation or nations.

It's a TCK Thing

the last post would be a bit mind-boggling for those who don't know what i'm talking about. it's kind of like a private joke gone sour really, between me and my high-school buddies.

for those of you who grew up (and by that, i mean growing up between the ages of 13 and 18, maybe even 21) in a country not the one stated by their passports, you'll know what i'm talking about. it's those crucial years you had to go through, finding out who you are and who you wanna strive to become, those years when your friends become your primary influential figures instead of your parents, and you think all adults are dull and painfully strict. well, i've got news for ya... not all of us had a "normal" teenage-hood.

see, a TCK is a "third culture kid". they're kids who grew up in a "foreign" country, for whatever reason, and eventually grew up to adopt that country as their own. it's all they know, and all the friends they made ARE family. they probably grew up with a different school system, with different social protocols and norms. they've probably seen things that kids "back home" would never see unless they were there themselves, and could scarcely imagine to be "normal". but what is normal? and who says that we HAVE to be normal? if i wanted to be normal to someone else's standards, i would probably have more friends. but i don't, because i am who i am, and i won't be confined to someone else's standards of normalcy in order to please someone. it's not worth my time, and those people are not worth forfeiting core values and beliefs, cuz sometimes that's what it takes.

who are these people to say "you're weird; i thought you were one of us"? but sadly, we're not a species made for isolation. we need people, and we need a certain degree of understanding or even just mere acceptance of the kind of people we are. but i urge TCK's not to give up what they know, not to change too much of who they've become as a result of growing up overseas. however, having said all that, we do need to let go. we need to let go of the fact that there will never be people such as those we knew back "home", that we will never be able to be the same exact person we were then and there. we need to grow. we need to thank those people for having made an impact and contribution in our lives, and we need to accept that we need to let go of that excruciating hope that we'll find that life again.

we're TCK's, we don't have a single home, we have many. we may have to adapt to different types of societies and norms in order to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings (or worse, jail time in some countries), but we don't have to give up those core values and beliefs. be true to the self that you know is there, don't be someone you're not. don't settle for superficial "friendships", find people who are willing to open their world up to you and for you to share yours with them. those who WANT to know you for who you are, for the experiences you've gone through, for the memories and stories that you've accumulated over the time you've been away. they are precious to you, and they ought to be appreciated, not scorned.

Saying Goodbye

"Photograph" by Nickleback
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin' out

This is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must've done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them, I wouldn't let me in

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say It's time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we’d know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now

I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days

I know the one thing that would never change
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me